Suvudu Universe

OMG. Romance For Men: Pandora's Box has to be the vilest, crudest, most wildly inappropriate piece of profane filth I've ever read. I mean, it makes the Harold & Kumar movies look like some prudish, self-important, preachy Kirk Cameron evangelical flick. To put it another way, it makes South Park look like a lost episode of Davey & Goliath, one that was deemed too sermonizing for Sunday morning television.

That said, it's also the funniest damn thing I've read in ages. I'm talking laugh-out-loud, tears-in-your-eyes, unstoppable laughter. Seriously.

Jack Icefloe Jackson is, without a doubt, da man - a short, fat, bald little man with a 6-inch penis. He may not have the slightest interest, much less understanding, of how to connect with women on a spiritual, emotional, or intellectual level, but he knows how to bring them to orgasm. His own unshakable confidence in that power makes him irresistible to women, so much so his wife kills herself to avoid holding him back, and her two sisters fight for the right to have sex with him on the dirt-covered casket, all while their parents cheer them on and wonder aloud how the Lord made such a perfect guy.

I did mention tasteless, didn't it?

It's when Jackson destroys the government's clandestine XXX-69 Unit, bringing it to orgasm despite it being set to 250 on the Potential For Orgasm scale (a scale of 1-10, mind you), that things start to get serious. Summoned to the White House by President Obama himself, he is tasked with the mission of bringing Pandora, the most beautiful woman to have ever existed, to her first orgasm.

With nothing less than the fate of the entire world on the line, Jackson is issued a license to kill (which he uses better than Bond ever did) and sent to seek out the Bitch Witch, who will help him to become a man worthy of Pandora. The Bitch Witch is stereotypically green, complete with black robes and pointy hat, and works in women's shoes at Bloomingdale’s, where she curses the old women foolish enough to waste her time trying without buying. She sends him on three quests: (1) to learn from Hot Nuns of Assisi how to connect spiritually with women, (2) from the smoking hot secret bastard granddaughter of Albert Einstein how to connect intellectually, and (3) from the blind lactation consultant of Cedars-Sinai how to connect emotionally.

As madcap, deliberately offensive, and uproariously funny as the story is, Jackson does grow into a true renaissance man, one who is worthy not of 'banging' but 'courting' the beautiful Pandora. It's a story that takes every trope, cliché, and stereotype of the action hero genre, satirizes them beyond the limits of parody, mocks itself at every turn, and somehow manages to maintain the same level of guilty, gut-busting laughs throughout. What it's not, and this makes all the difference, is cruel. It's actually almost innocent in Jackson's conceit, and that is what makes his behaviour amusing, rather than aggravating.

Believe it or not, there is actually some deeper meaning here, perhaps even a little (not so subtle) commentary on what it means to be a man, but the focus is definitely on the laughs.

Jack Icefloe Jackson, of course, is what makes the story work as well as he does. As narrator, he manages to lace the entire tale with violence and sexuality, never once settling for suggestion or innuendo, and out-does any macho movie narrator. As protagonist, his dialogue is so unabashedly profane and conceited, you can't help but come to like the guy. The incredible sexual power of his average-sized manhood is, of course, over the top, but everything else about him is so less-than-average, it completely (and deliberately) destroys the image of the suave, charming, muscle-bound, action hero.

If you're thin-skinned or easily offended, then give Romance For Men: Pandora's Box a wide berth. If, on the other hand, you can appreciate an over-the-top, tongue-firmly-in-cheek, parody of the action hero genre, then give it a shot. It's so inappropriate, you can't help but laugh, and it really is quite clever - in a vulgar and profane manner. Here's hoping the promised Suckubus sequel is more than just a tease.


Kindle Edition, 127 pages
Published May 29th 2014 by Disobedient Dragon